Poem by Maya Angelou (don't know the title)

"Did I learn to be kinder,
to be more patient,
And more generous,
More loving,
more ready to laugh,
And more easy to accept honest tears?

If I accept those legacies
of my departed beloveds,
I am able to say,

Thank you,
to them for their love,
and thank you to God for their lives."

This is the poem, passed onto me from a family member. I thought you would all enjoy it.

A house filled with love - the basement

When I would stay with Grandma and Pa, I often found myself going downstairs to 'explore' the basement. It was such a fascinating part of their house--I can recall the musty smell by memory. I remember the old freezer and washer/dryer, a shelf filled with canned goods, the far wall that was built up with dirt, and, of course, Grandpa Barnetson's bedroom.

The bedroom was my fave place to hang out in the basement. There were boxes filled with a random collection of things - old clothes, books, some records....I loved to look through these and imagine how they were previously used.

I remember spending time in the bedroom with Lana--she was writing a novel at this time, you see. (At the tender age of 10, I think...) So she would write and I don't know what I did...probably watched her or read over her shoulder.

And now that I have a house of my own, a house that is probably as old as theirs (if not older), I sometimes get a 'whiff' of Grandma/Pa's basement smell. And it brings a smile to my face to remember the days of exploring...

Thanks to God for thoughtful people

Today's post isn't about Grandma, so much as it is about dealing with Grandma's death. It's been three months (tomorrow) and yet I still miss her with as much intensity as the moment she slipped away.

Over the past few days, I've been blessed by the thoughtfulness of others. One of Josh's family members joined us for lunch on Saturday, and before she left our house, quietly slipped me a card. In the bustle of cleaning up the kitchen, I forgot to open it, and it was left in the living room on our coffee table.

Yesterday, as my thoughts turned to how much I wanted to speak with Grandma, I remembered the card that Patti had left for me. Her card was extremely thoughtful - she included a poem (that I will post up here at a later date) that was so beautiful, and brought me to tears.

Today, again, when I was feeling low and looking at my picture of Grandma taped to my monitor, a colleague popped into my office with a small gift. She had seen it someplace and had, apparently, thought of me and bought it. She handed me the gift, a children's book, "Hello Grand Mamoon!" by Donna Steinmann. The book is about a young girl named Tula, who's Grandmother had recently died...and how she finds comfort in looking at the woman in the moon, knowing that her Grandma is watching over her.

Today, I give thanks for the thoughtful people in my life. I am fortunate that they would take the time to think of me in this way.

Peppermint halo up 'yer nose!

I was reminded this morning about Grandma's affinity for peppermint halo and lavender oils...I remember that she would often have a Kleenex in her pocket that had been dabbed with oils for her to sniff when her sinuses were bothering her.

One time, during a visit at her place, she was dabbing it under her nose-I think her sinuses were acting up. She got a bit carried away and ended up snorting the oil up her nose! How she laughed at herself for being a 'snorter'-I can remember it clearly. We giggled about this for a few weeks after it happened, during our phone conversations.

It's important to remember the GOOD memories, right? Helps to erase the memories of the days in the hospital....

Grandma's teddy bear

SO, I ended up with one of Grandma's many teddy bears. Mom gave her this one after Pa passed away-it's dressed up like an angel with wings and a halo. When it was new, you could squeeze it and it would recite a sweet poem about going to sleep with angels watching over us....Very cute. Over the years, the bear stopped 'talking'-the battery probably died.

Since then, I've slept with it....I've talked to it, I've yelled at it--for some reason, this bear has become a source of comfort to me. (Yes I know, it's like I'm 5 again!)

One day last week, I had a really sad morning. I was lying on my bed, praying to God for strength and comfort...I had the bear squeezed between my arms. Out of nowhere, the bear 'spoke' again. And since that day, and every time I need to hear it, I squeeze the bear and she reminds me that I have angels watching over me.

I'd like to think that Grandma is one of those angels.

A house always full of love - the 'loo'

As a kid, I loved exploring Grandma and Pa's house....the basement was a special treat, but more on that later.

For whatever reasons, I have a number of memories of the bathroom. Weird, I know. I remember having baths in the super-deep tub when I slept overnight; Grandma would fill the tub with warm water and bubbles. I remember a canister filled with lovely soaps that I would play with during tub time. There would sometimes be a little vase of flowers from the garden on the counter by the sink (was the vase made of green glass? or maybe it wasn't a vase, but a drinking glass?) I want to say that there was a silly poem that was hung up in the bathroom, in later years, a take on a traditional Scottish poem, but with an ending about "keeping yer big mouth shut"? I think someone bought this as a joke gift for Pa???

I loved spying out the window of the 'loo', watching Pa tending to his garden. Sometimes, a faint smell of the sweet peas would waft in with the breeze...and in the evening, crickets would sing.

I remember the gurgling sound the sink would make. I remember hearing Pa in the bathroom, clearing his throat, and how much we made fun of him for it.

I remember, being probably ten or so, after eating spaghetti squash at the Ebdons (I think), throwing up in the sink (I was occupying the toilet at the time)....I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble. But Grandma took me into her bedroom to lie down and Pa cleaned out the sink without (much) fuss.

I will admit now that I sometimes looked under the sink-I was curious to know what Grandma and Pa used...I remember his shaving equipment and her hairspray and rollers....toothpaste and toothbrushes...and denture cream! I think it took me a while to realize: a) what dentures ARE and that b) Grandma and Pa had them. (But old people used dentures and my Grandparents were NOT old, in my mind!)

As I got older, my thoughts of the loo moved from the objects in the space to how a family of six managed to share the space. There was no shower! There was only one toilet! WOW! I suppose that, back then, people weren't as caught up with vanity as we are now? I do remember Grandma mentioning that the girls would wash their hair in the kitchen sink, so a shower wasn't needed. But still--one toilet for six (seven) people?! My goodness, we are fortunate these days.

This is a good reminder for me, on the days when I think one bathroom for two people just isn't enough! Grandma was able to manage a house filled with bustling kids and it all worked in the end. So perhaps it's not about how big your house is, but about how much love you fill it with....

Sunday Story-time with Grandma Hen

We all had our own special times with Grandma. Over the last few years, I liked driving out to see her on the weekends, mainly Sundays. While I never gave these visits a title, I will hereby refer to them as "Sunday Story-time with Grandma Hen".

When she was feeling up to it, Grandma would head down for Sunday brunch at noon and would usually get back up to her apartment by 1pm. I would try to time my visits so that I was there just in time to hear what was on the menu for that week. I always prayed she would be served her favorite--waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. (When she first moved into Hallmark, I would go to brunch and sit with her table of ladies--I remember the first time we went together, we got the waffles and they were very good!)

During our visits together, I would usually make each of us a cup of tea (sometimes Grandma would just prefer hot water) and we'd delve into Grandma's stash of sweets or, when we were feeling healthy, digestive biscuits.

What did we talk about? I have to say that I didn't spend a lot of time talking about myself-by my choice. Instead, we'd spend time talking about her youth-about living in Glasgow, her family, her job and her friends, meeting Pa...I think these were the happiest times of her life-she was always smiling and laughing when she'd tell me her stories. Of course, we'd inevitably end up talking about the bad food at Hallmark, or the silly 'old people' she lived with-I think she liked to vent about it. But I'd always do my best to steer the conversation back to happier thoughts--to her own baking, to her garden, to some of her favorite tv shows or books she was reading.

I don't know what it was about spending this time with her, but I would always come away feeling relaxed. Calmer. I would often yawn during our visits--not because I was bored, but because I was just feeling so mellow and happy--and she would always tell me that I needed to sleep more! I think she worried about my sleeping habits-so if you can see me now, Hen, you'll know that I wasn't lying-I actually do get my 8 hours!

These are some of my favorite memories of spending time with Grandma...which makes Sundays extra hard days for me. Humans are creatures of habit, as they say, and my body is still trying to comprehend what has happened to my Sundays.

But as Grandma would say, my Mom is my best friend, and so I'm hoping to spend more Sundays with her. (Little does she know!)

I think Grandma would like that, don't you?

Grandma's Kitchen, continued

This Tuesday - a bittersweet day in our house - our new IKEA kitchen arrived (in boxes, of course) and I am flooded with memories of Grandma and Grandpa redoing their kitchen when I was about 10 or so? I remember the new cabinets, sink, stove, fridge, and thinking it was all so exciting. I was there the day they installed it and I shopped with Grandpa for that toaster oven they both just loved... didn't want to get a microwave at that point, he wasn't sure he cared for that kind of stuff, he said. But the toaster oven was prized. Grilled cheese sandwhiches, yummy.

I am also struck by how Grandma did so much with so little. I think I remember their kitchen installation so much because I cooked with Grandma so much when I was there. I remember laying out the bread on the new countertop and thinking it was so much easier to clean than their old one. I also remember Grandpa saying that he was the dishwasher in the house, and they didn't need a machine to do it. Hmm. It strikes me as I think of installing our new kitchen how much more gadgets we have now and so much more convenience but our meals are so less complex than they used to be. I complain about my counterspace - hence the island we bought - yet Grandma had very little counterspace and managed to do a lot with it. Of course, she also had a window over her sink, something I miss desperately in our townhouse.

So I am inspired to do much with my little kitchen. I, of course, have a microwave AND a dishwasher but maybe Grandpa will forgive me these luxuries =)

A house always full of love: Grandma's kitchen

Thought it made good sense to move from the garden to the kitchen - the natural progression of food...Sorry I haven't been online, I haven't really felt like blogging. I guess we all have our ups and downs with grief.

Grandma's kitchen...where to begin? As the wife of a chef, what strikes me now is that with seemingly simple kitchen, a tight budget, and basic utensils, Grandma created some of the most tasty treats I've ever sampled. (No offense to chefs out there!) If I think about some of my favorite things to eat, my comfort foods, the majority are things that I was introduced by Grandma (or by my Mom, who was originally introduced by Grandma)....homemade chips, shortbread, currant squares, cookies, cabbage rolls...forget chocolate-bring me some homemade baking or some savory Scottish snacks!

Many of my memories of visiting Grandma and Pa either took place in the kitchen, or involved food prepared by Grandma. I remember laughing at dinners around their table (or sometimes at tv trays in the front room so we could watch whatever sports game was on), stealing cookies from the glass cookie jar on the blue kitchen counter, a fridge covered with the latest pictures of grandkids/postcards from the UK gang, Grandpa's hanging bill-fold organizer by the door to the bathroom hallway, the telephone on the wheely-table....I remember drying dishes and admiring some of Grandma's pretty glassware, I remember being told to stand back when she fried the chips, I remember trying to eavesdrop when the adults would sit at the kitchen table to talk about 'grownup' stuff while I was watching tv in the front room. I remember being little and Pa throwing me up in the air (gosh he was strong! I thought I would touch the ceiling every time!)

Put simply, I remember a whole lotta love.

The kitchen wasn't just a place where Grandma prepared meals for her family. It was a place where we came together as a family. Where she taught us some important lessons. It was the center of activity when my Mom was growing up-where Grandma and Pa would entertain visitors and dance to music together.

It saddens me to admit that my memories of the kitchen, and the house, have faded...I can't quite remember what was on the wall between the kitchen and Pa's bedroom (Uncle Cam's painting? What else?) Did Grandma's collage of Grandkids sit above the telephone? Did it even exist at that point? Did she have a centerpiece on the kitchen table-a basket of some sort? What am I missing? Maybe all this doesn't really matter?

I don't remember the smell of Grandma's kitchen anymore. This makes me HUGELY sad. This was the one thing about the house I SWORE I would NEVER forget because it was the one thing that always made me smile.

I'd like to think that heaven probably smells and feels like Grandma's kitchen. And one day, when it's my time, I look forward to breathing it all in again. With Grandma. And Pa.

Just Reject It

So here I am watching the Masterpiece Theatre version of "Emma" and thinking to myself, my, how much Granny would love this movie and then I can't stop either laughing or crying because I think of such cute things she said or did while watching one of her "shows." Grandma and Grandpa had more cable channels than we did and so I got her to tape old episodes of "Saved by the Bell", since, dorkily enough, (yes, I know that's not a word but it seems to fit)... that's what my friends and I used to watch to wind down from intense Nutrition midterm studying. I remember calling Granny and saying, "sorry hen, I'll come get that tape soon,"and then she'd always say, "don't worry, hen, I just rejected it." Of course she meant E-ject but it just made me smile every time I heard it her way. It kind of makes me want to watch "You've Got Mail,"or, I'm sorry, "I've Got Mail," just to remind me of something she always did when I went over there in the last year before Grandpa died.

For all the negative press TV gets, some of my favorite memories of Grandma and Grandpa and the funny things they said were in their living room, watching their shows. Grandma was also knitting, or cooking, of course, and Grandpa was reading the paper and listening to the radio, both feet squished on his chair close to him like someone who'd definitely been a catcher in baseball. How cute Grandma was when she'd get frustrated with Grandpa when he'd make fun of Regis and Kathie Lee in the mornings, or how much she liked Bob Barker and that one model of his, Holly, I think her name was - she always told me how much she seemed like such a nice girl - and then her scouring her cupboards to put together reasonable pieces to mimic the crafts on Mr. Dressup. I think some of my favorite memories growing up were in Grandma and Grandpa's house when I stayed home sick from school. No one - except Mom, of course - took better care of you when you were sick than Grandma. I remember the boiled potatoes, and weak tea, on TV trays, with blankets while I got to sleep in her "big" bed in the front room, entertaining myself with books and pretending not to jump on the bed while the sun streamed in the room early in the morning. I remember her running to get me new ice cream buckets when I threw up in that bed one day and surrounding me with lavender and peppermint so I wouldn't have to smell that smell of being sick.

It makes me wish she were still here to take care of me and yet so grateful I had such good care from a Grandma that seemed almost like an energizer bunny, the first person to run and get something for anyone, setting an excellent example for me as I endeavor to be the mom of two girls.

I wish she were still here to call and ask what to do about so many things. Especially this week. But I still hear that voice in my head telling me such gentle advice on how to care for fussy babies, and the understanding in her voice as she talked to me when I was at my wits end as a mommy, and wish that Elliana knew more the woman that taught me first how to care for sick children by providing such good care for me when I was that sick child.

This post ended more sadly than I expected but I just feel prompted to say tonight, Thank you Granny. I'm glad you were there.

I promise for something more whimsical next time.

Grandma's Scones

Thanks to Aunt Sanda for sharing this recipe with me a few years ago! If memory serves me correctly, to get this recipe (because we all know she didn't really use recipes or measurements-she was SO good) Aunt Sanda sat and watched Grandma make a batch and wrote it up accordingly!

Ingredients:

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 1/2 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp baking soda
• 1 tbsp sugar (or less - Grandma sometimes used none)
• 1/3 cup butter or margarine
• 1 egg
• 2/3 cup buttermilk
• 1/3 cup currants

Instructions:

1. Using a strainer, rinse currants under lukewarm water until currants plump up.
2. Sift flour. Sift again with baking powder, baking soda, and sugar.
3. Work butter/margarine into flour mixture lightly - using fingertips (work high off mixture to add air).
4. Mix together a well-beaten egg and room temperature buttermilk.
5. Add to flour mixture using fork - DO NOT OVERMIX - if a spot is a bit dry, just add a few drops of buttermilk or water.
6. Add currants (if using).
7. Turn out onto a lightly floured board (DO NOT KNEAD) and pat into a circle about 1/2 inch thick (if you need to use rolling pin, do so lightly).
8. Cut in circles.
9. Heat electric frying pan to 350F (you'll know it's ready to use when a few drops of water sizzle)
10. WHen ready, put scones in frying pan (do not use oil or spray). Check after 5 minutes or so. When light to medium brown, turn over. Will take about 15 minutes for both sides.
11. When you remove from frying pan, put on cooling rack covered with tea towel and place another tea towel on top, until scones have cooled.

A house always full of love - Part One: The Garden

I've been thinking a lot about Grandma and Pa's house this week. This past week alone, I've I've gone out of my way to drive thru the lane about three times. The neighbours are probably wondering who I am!

I have lots to say about the place, so thought I'd start outside....The garden: Grandpa's vegetables, Grandma's flowers, and of course, the raspberry bushes.

Did any of you get in trouble for pulling a carrot out of the ground before it was ripe, like I used to? And then I thought I could just push it back into the soil and it would continue to grow...Problem solved, right? Wrong! Ahh, but Pa was a patient guy with us. And let's not forget the bucket of rainwater that he would use to rinse the dirt off the veggies before bringing them into the house. (How smart to use rainwater...!)

And how many times did I forget to 'pick the bushes clean'?! (A lot). I suppose that I wanted the best berries....they tasted so good with a bit of milk and sugar that Grandma would pour over them. If I remember correctly, the Niedtners have a small raspberry plant, taken from Pa's bushes, planted in their backyard.

Another tasty treat that came from the garden - Pa's cucumbers. In the summers, I remember Grandma would slice them up and soak them in white vinegar and salt....A bowl of these would sit on the picnic table in the backyard while Lanie and I would play ball against the house's roof. And we would eat them up like candy!

But the best treat to come from the vegetable garden was, without a doubt, the potatoes that Grandma would whip up into homemade chips! OH my mouth is just watering thinking of how good these tasted. I know everyone had their own way of accessorizing these-I loved (and continue to love) vinegar (cider or malt) with salt, no ketchup. I wonder how many pounds of potatoes she went through over the years, to make us all the chips?!

I remember Grandma's sweet peas - pinks, purples, reds, and whites - that would climb up the painted-white trellis fence...I was always so happy to go home with a bouquet of these sweet-smelling goodies. And of course, they were wrapped in wet paper towel and then tinfoil.

When Grandpa's cancer came back and the lawn needed mowing, I decided I would cut it for him. There's a picture around someplace of me in his gumboots and hat-I look ridiculous. (Did I mention that I'd never really used a lawn mower before?) Oh well, I think it gave him some good laughs.

When Grandpa died, I grabbed a few sprigs of lavender from the side garden and still keep these pressed in a book.

Of all the places in the house, I think the garden was my favourite. It brought Grandma and Pa great joy - not only was it was a cathartic hobby for them, but also served as a way for them to provide food for their family.

Oatmeal Cookies

Ok, I think I have a new goal... I've been learning to cook better a la Julia Child, yup I stole the idea from the movie, but I don't care, food tastes better this way!! But now I think I need to learn to cook better a la Grannie. So, I'm looking for as many of her recipes that I can get my hands on. I only have two here - her oatmeal cookies, and pumpkin pie. I figured many of you remember her cookies so I'll post that one. And if you have any - particularly her scones, buns, currant squares, or famous chips... please pass them on.

Grandma Hen's Oatmeal Cookies

1/2 cup butter or margarine
3 tbsp. white sugar
3 tbsp. brown sugar
(cream above ingredients together)
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
(mix into above creamed ingredients)
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 cup flour
1 cup oatmeal
(mix into above mixture)

Spoon out cookies onto cookie sheet - use parchment paper underneath to keep it waxed and your pan cleaned... you save yourself a LOT of work this way! Use a greased or floured fork to flatten cookies out on cookie sheet. Cook in 350 degree F oven for 10 minutes or until golden brown.

I remember these cookies being so good I ate them for breakfast sometimes.

Hope you all are doing okay this week. Kirsten, I am looking forward to that sushi trip for your birthday... not so far away, hey? And Ryan, you tell us when and where and we'll hit Karaoke with you. Maybe Josh will sing Madonna for us. =)

What I learned from Grannie... at least what I remembered today.

There's really probably too many things to list of what Grannie really taught us, but today I'm thinking about a few things that really strike me.

1. I don't have a bunch of "Grannie" stuff in my house, a few small things and some pictures, but I feel like the "stuff" she passed on to us were things you really can't put up on a wall and look at, but things you see in yourself or how you look at the world and treat other people. She didn't really value things, she valued being able to give those things away to those she loved and those whom she wanted to bless. She was truly the essence of generosity. Something David loves to remember is the time my mom visited one evening and Grannie so wanted to give her something she hunted around her kitchen and handed her a tomato and a banana. Such classic, generous Grannie.

2. Sing, sing, sing. Sing when you're happy, sing when you're sad, even if you shed a few tears. And when you're elated, you dance. To Scottish music, preferably.

3. Pilly-wally is always the best kind of tea.

4. Cooking your own food is often more satisfying than having someone cook for you, especially if you work really hard to get it right, and who really needs a recipe... or a knitting pattern, for that matter?

5. "Always remember, you do your best, Hen, and that's all you can do."

6. She gave anything and everything up for her children and grandchildren.

7. Be creative. Love the things those around you love. Tape your grandchildren's favorite TV shows. Help them try to mimic Mr. Dressup's crafts. Build a dollhouse with them out of cardboard. Always be thankful.

8. And, when you plan, always say, "if the Lord spares us..." because it really is up to Him.

9. Pray for your family every night, no matter what. They always need it.

10. Always be surrounded by pictures of those you love, at multiple stages throughout their lives.

11. Always celebrate other people's successes. Be proud of those you love.

12. Never let yourself be bored. Always work with your hands. Hey, knitting might be better for your nerves than Ativan!

13. How you experience something is always up to you. Choose to be positive, and kind. You'll be happier.

I could keep going, but I better go to bed. Goodnight, Grandma Hen's kids. See you in the morning.

"Don't forget to take your vitamins, hen" and other life lessons

Grandma taught me a LOT. I've been reflecting on all of it and thought it might be neat to start a list of what she's taught us all!

I'm sure I'll have more to add down the road, but for right now, here are some things that are at the top of mind:

• Vitamins are important, especially calcium for us ladies and our bone health.
• My Mom is my best friend.
• End each conversation with a loved one with "I love you" and don't go to bed mad.
• Family comes first - none of this "you choose your friends but you can't choose your family" business! Love your family and cling to them through the good and the bad.
• Laughter is important to a happy marriage.
• It's important to pick berry bushes clean (well, this was Pa's big beef, but she would often remind me in her gentle way).
• Tea should not be served too strong!
• Scotch mints are delicious.
• Live within your means - use what you have in creative ways - recycle!
• Crocheting and knitting are good for the soul (unfortunately, I can't remember how to do either....will need someone to teach me again).
• Doing laundry can bring you great joy!
• Write little notes, cards, letters to family and friends to let them know you care. Thank them for just being them.
• Lavender, mint, and rose and wonderfully relaxing scents.
• Keep pictures and letters that make you smile - and surround yourself with them.
• SING! It's good for the soul.
• Pray. Pray often. Pray when worried. Pray when thankful. Pray always.
• When baking, use 'light fingers' - don't overmix! Sometimes no recipe is better than having a recipe -experiment!
• Have compassion.
• A 'wee nip' is ok once in a while.
• Independence is an important quality to develop (When I lived alone in Oregon, we used to joke that we were "Strong, independent women" a la Beyonce).
• When jumping over a candlestick, make sure the candle is short enough that you can clear the top of it. (Let's just say we had an incident involving us jumping and breaking a candlestick).
• It's important to treat yourself now and then.
• Hairspray is a key ingredient to great hair!
• The term 'hen' is a Scottish term of endearment (as opposed to a female chicken).
• A grandmother's love is unconditional and unfailing.

What other life lessons did she teach you? Or maybe we learned some of the same stuff?!

An introduction to this blog

So folks, this blog may or may not be a good thing for you, so please don't feel obligated to write in it, but do feel free to read what others write and comment when you'd like.

The idea for this blog came from a number of directions - that I've always enjoyed hearing stories about Grandma, that research shows that sharing 'the good stuff' about a loved one who has passed, is cathartic and good for us, and that I was looking for a way to keep us all connected...regardless of where we are.

This is my first attempt at a collective blog, that is, one with multiple authors. I hope it's easy enough for all of us to use. If not, I know we've got some savvy tech dudes amongst us (ahem, Steve and David), who might be able to lead us.

For those of you new to the world of blogging - it's pretty easy! Google 'how to blog', and you'll come up with thousands of 'how to' articles and videos.

A note on privacy: Currently, this blog isn't searchable - only you, I, and anyone who is bored enough to type in random urls will find it. That said, once you've all accepted the offer to author the blog, I will change the privacy settings so that only authors can access it.

Love to you all,
e